hackCRAZY or Kite's had enough!
by Drgnmastr-Alex
Summary: Takes place after Quarantine. Oneshots that show why Kite and friends leave The World. Massive craziness. R for language, bloody noses, nudity, innuendo, Lios being a perverted old man, and others I can't put up here. READ AND REVIEW! Completed!
1. Chapter 1

Hi everybody! This is my second fanfic, but my first .hack fic. I'm also the author of Love Hina: New and Old Faces, Same Zaniness, so if you want to check out some of my other work, go right ahead! If you've already read it, then you know what you're in for: insanity. These are just going to be one shots which take place after .hack/Quarantine. Basically, these one shots are going to be the reasons why Kite and almost all the .hackers leave "The World". Enjoy!

I do not own .hack. The rights are property of Bandai and any other respective company who has rights to it. I OWN NOTHING!

.hack/CRAZY or The Reasons Why Kite and Friends Leave "The World".

Fic #1: Blackrose and Terajima's reconciliation.

Blackrose: Goddamn, Kite! Why'd you bring her along?

Terajima Ryoko: Why, that was the same thing I was going to ask. Why is this Kogal ruffian with us?

Blackrose: I AM NOT A KOGAL!

Ever since the "incident" between Blackrose, Terajima Ryoko, and Kite at Raging, Faceless, Virgin (in the Omega server), Blackrose and Ryoko have been at each other's throats. Not even the fact that they faced falling into comas stopped their rivalry for Kite's attention. So, he decided (against his better judgment and what he's heard about "estrogen wars") to try and have them reconcile the best way possible: the three of them would take on a Level 99 dungeon. He figured that teamwork would have them cooperate a little better. What he didn't figure was that this was the beginning of the .hackers meeting in the real world and the end of him playing the game.

Kite: (thinking to himself) Gah, I wish these two would get along…

Blackrose and Ryoko: KITE!

Kite: (snaps out of his mental state of mind) Wh-what?

Ryoko: We're at the dungeon.

He just sweatdrops.

They fought their way through sets of monsters, ranging from level 93 to 97. Unknown to them, though, was the fact that they were being monitored.

Lios: Hmmm…I see the logic behind Kite's plan, but if I know anything about women, this will get ugly.

Balmung: Hey, Carl.

Lios: SONOFABITCH! What did I tell you, don't call me that!

Balmung: Sorry, it's just you look so much like him.

Lios: Just because you've earned honors in "The World" doesn't mean I can't end your induction as an assistant administrator right here and now!

Balmung: Alright, I'll stop.

Balmung walks off, and after two minutes, a purple wad of meat with a purple Hulk mask on is thrown at Lios's head.

Lios: AAAAGGGHHH!

Balmung: The Incredible Plum strikes again! Mwahahahaha!

Lios: Damn mudder-fugger…Well, pranks go around, so I'll pull one on Blackrose and Ryoko!

Kite, Blackrose, and Ryoko reach the Gott Statue, Kite hoping that his plan at least worked a little bit.

Blackrose: ……………..alright, I'll admit it, Ryoko. You're a nice enough girl. And you're pretty damn good in a fight. But…Kite is mine!

Kite: O.O

Terajima Ryoko: Oh, I think not! Kite-sama saved me from a high level monster! I owe him my eternal gratitude! I'll always be his!

Kite: O.o

They both turn to Kite, their hands on their hips.

Blackrose: Well, Kite. Once again we're at this crossroad. Who're you gonna choose?

Ryoko: It's your choice, Kite-sama. Her or me.

Kite at this point is sweating bullets. He's been given a choice between two girls who are nuts over him, both almost falling into a coma fighting alongside of him, and he has to choose ONE to be his girlfriend. It seems he always has to make difficult decisions in this game. Then, it hit him.

Kite: Alright, here's an idea. If there's a Heavy Blade weapon in the Gott Statue, I'll pick Blackrose; if there's a Heavy Axeman weapon in it, I'll pick Ryoko; but if there's neither…then we never bring this up again.

Blackrose and Ryoko stare long and hard at him, time seeming to take hours. Then Blackrose spoke.

Blackrose: Okay, then. Sounds like a good plan. So some of the heat is taken off of you due to luck. And the three of us have a one third chance of getting what we want.

Ryoko: That is an excellent idea!

Kite: (thinking to himself) Ehhh…sorry to trick you girls, but you're way off on the estimating. I've got the best chance of success.

He opens up the chest, the statue behind falls to the bottom of the chamber, and he sweatdrops.

Kite: ………Ummmm, there's items with your names on them.

Blackrose: Huh?

Ryoko: Let's see them.

Kite gives them each an item, one named "Blackrose's Reconciliation" and the other named "Terajima Ryoko's Reconciliation".

All three sweatdrop.

Ryoko: Was there a third item, Kite-sama?

Kite: Uh, yeah, there was. It's called "Lover's Embrace". But I've never heard of any of these items.

Just then, a small flicker appeared on Blackrose's and Ryoko's faces, and they slowly walked toward each other, then grabbed each other and started kissing each other!

Kite: O.O

They didn't stop there. Soon, armor started flying off, and they were on the floor groping themselves and doing all sorts of things I can't type on here. Needless to say, in the real world, Kite got a massive nosebleed and passed out on the floor. Also in the real world, Blackrose and Ryoko were in utter states of shock.

Blackrose (rl): WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

Terajima Ryoko (rl): …oh my, that isn't proper…

Kazu came into Blackrose's room, wondering what's going on.

Kazu (rl): Hey sis, what's…huh? WHOA! THEY'RE NEKKID!

Blackrose (rl): GET OUT OF HERE! YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS!

Ryoko's father came into her room, saw what was going on, and threatened to cancel her subscription before commenting that there was some crazy hot stuff happening on there that he's seen before. Ryoko blushed as red as a beet and ran out of the room.

Ryoko (rl): I didn't do anything! It's got to be hackers!

Back at CC Corp., Lios was just laughing his ass off.

Lios: Yuri! That's just great stuff! Lios the Pig-Head strikes!

Meanwhile, the Kite character is just standing there, facing the groping and fondling action.

LMAO! I told you: INSANITY. Be sure to review this fic. I would like to know what people think of this first mini-fic. I'll do four more, and if the demand is high enough, I'll do more. For now, happy reading/writing!


	2. Chapter 2

Sorry for having you all wait such a long time for a second chapter. Lots of things happened. College, family, friends… I'll spare you the explanation so you can get to the story. Here you go!

I do not own dothack. The rights are property of Bandai and any other respective owners.

Fic #2: Wtf are Prinnies?

A couple days passed by in the real world, and Blackrose and Terajima Ryoko were allowed back on, much to what Kite was hoping for. Still, it was weird that items like that appeared in the first place. There was a small gathering of the dothackers in order to discuss this.

Sanjuro: So, Blackrose's and Ryoko's characters did things right out of a yuri?...(drooling grin appears on his face)

Piros, Marlo, Wiseman, and Orca all got the same look on their faces, while Ryoko and Natsume was just blushing immensely, and Gardenia had a sour look on her face.

Blackrose: God, we have a bunch of perverts for friends.

Marlo: I take offense to that! We're healthy males!

Kite: To get back on topic, I think we should try to find out who did such a thing. It may have been just a random occurrence by a hacker looking for fun, but if Twilight taught us anything, it's to never judge by first look when dealing with matters in the World.

Wiseman: Good thinking. Cover our butts just in case this is a real emergency, right?

Kite: Well, yeah…

Piros jumps up suddenly, scaring those around him.

Piros: VERRILY! Then I say we begin the search right now! Come, He of Fair Eyes, and let us find this fiend!

Gardenia bonks him on the head with the end of her spear.

Gardenia: Knock it off. The "noble knight" routine is getting old. And it's grating on my nerves, which you do not want happening.

Piros: Very well then, my lady. I shall go off in-

Gardenia: ENOUGH!

All: O.o…..

Piros: …fine. I'll stop. You happy?

Gardenia: Thank you. (slight grin)

All: O.O……….

Marlo: Did Hell just freeze over…twice?

Orca: I counted three times, if you include Gardenia's outburst.

In another area…

Lios: So, I am figuring that a special event for the high-level players is long overdue. Just as well, we have a higher number of said players, which should increase the amount of participation significantly.

Random administrator #1: Hmmm…sounds good. Any ideas as to what the event should be?

Random administrator #2: A JUICE BAR!

Everyone: ………………

Lios: You've given that suggestion since you first became an administrator, and every time we've all shot it down. Give it up.

R. a. #3: Ban #2 for his idiocy!

Everyone else except Lios: BAN HIM!

Lios: Shut up. I've already determined what the event is going to be anyway. A high level area with new monsters and new items.

R. a. #1: …again? That's boring.

R. a. #4: You tyrant! You cannot decide for us, this is a consensus! DEATH TO THE PROLETARIAT! LET THE PEOPLE UNITE AGAINST THE CAPITALIST REGIME OF DESTRUCTION!

Lios: You're fired!

R. a. #4 gets a "baka" sign stamped on his head, disappears in a poof of smoke, and is banned from ever interacting with the game.

Lios: His pink slip should come to his e-mail in ten seconds. Does anybody have any ideas what kind of monsters and items we should put in?

R. a. #2: PRINNIES!

R. a. #15: Awesome idea!

R. a. #65: What the hell's a Prinny?

R. a. #38: They're from a game called Disgaea: Hour of Darkness. They are disembodied tortured souls that appear as stitched-together penguins.

Lios: ……..Frickin' genius. Who owns the copyright?

R. a #38: Nippon Ichi.

Lios: …shit. We're gonna have to buy the rights from them, then.

R. a. #23: They're still around?

Lios: Yep, and still going strong. Although they don't make video games anymore, due to Pluto's Kiss. Any other ideas for monsters or items?

All: BONTA-KUUUUUN! (give the devil-horns with their hands)

Lios: sighs Fine. We'll put Bonta-kun as a boss then.

All: YEEEEAAAAAhhhh! (they all pull out doobies)

Lios: What the hell did I say about smoking in here!

R. a. #3: Relax, it's just a mod.

Later that month…

Mistral: Alright! NEWITEMSNEWITEMSNEWITEMSNEWITEMS! (foams at the mouth)

Kite: Uhhh…how's your daughter doing?

Mistral: She's great! Cute as a bug! NEWITEMSNEWITEMSNEWITEMS!

Elk: I can't wait to see what's available in this new area. Maybe they have some Aromatic Grass for Mia.

Natsume: …besides using it to restore data to Mia, what other uses does it have?

Elk: …eheheheheheheh.

Orca: Okay. So we're splitting into two teams of three. Kite, me, and Mistral, and Natsume, Elk, and…where's Blackrose?

Blackrose: Over heeerrreeeee!

They witness Blackrose being surrounded by hordes of other female Heavy Blades.

Orca: Geez. She has one hell of a fan-club.

Mistral: NEWITEMSNEWITEMSNEWITEMS.

The signal for the event flashes, and everyone rushes to the Gate. On the other side, all the players see the field as an underworld motif. Kite, Orca, and Mistral head off in one direction and Elk, Blackrose, and Natsume head off in another.

Mistral: (finds a treasure chest) MINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (opens it) Awesome! New item! It's a….blush

Kite and Orca come over to see what it is and get small nosebleeds.

Kite: It's…a cosplay outfit of Morrigan from Darkstalkers.

Orca: What did they have to pay in order to have this here?

Mistral: Doesn't matter. IZMINE!

Kite: I'll trade you an item I just found called "Hell Pendant".

Mistral: ………..pooo. Alright.

(trade completed)

Kite: (in his head) Now to convince Blackrose to put this on. (drools)

: Doooood.

Orca: Huh? What the hell is that?

They all turn to see three stitched together penguins looking at them.

Prinny #1: We're Prinnies, dood.

Prinny #3: You wanna help us find some food, dood?

Kite, Orca, and Mistral: (sweatdrop)

Orca: Are you NPC's?

Prinny #2: What's that, dood?

Mistral: I've got a red cursor around them, so they must be monsters.

Kite: ..I'll give it a quick strike, then.

Orca: Careful. This is a high level area, after all. We don't know how strong these things are.

Kite pokes Prinny #1 in the stomach with the point of his dagger, resulting in it exploding, which causes a chain reaction and blows the other two apart, nearly killing Kite.

Orca: HOLY SHIT! Kite, you alright!

Kite: I'm down to three points of health, but besides that, sure.

Just then, two more prinnies poked their heads out of a nearby bush. Then three more behind a rock. Then another twelve behind that rock. Then twenty-eight more appear from behind a stone arch. Pretty soon, there were over 200 Prinnies surrounding them, with death glares in their eyes.

Kite: ………………..oh shit……

Mistral: RUN AWAY!

Orca: To where!

Mistral: WE'RE DEAD! DEAD!

About ten Prinnies throw themselves at Kite and his party, killing Kite and nearly killing the other two. Mistral manages to revive Kite, but then another Prinny kills her, when she's revived by Orca, who is killed and revived by Mistral again, and this sort of thing went on for the next eleven minutes, leaving Kite, Orca, and Mistral barely surviving.

Kite: Oh, god. Now I know why this is such a high level…

Orca: These things are kamikazes. Two hits and you're practically dead.

Natsume: Hey guyyyyysss!

They see Blackrose, Natsume, and Elk coming over to see how they're doing.

Blackrose: ..Wow. You guys look like hell.

Kite: Prinnies.

Blackrose: Wtf is a Prinny?

Mistral: EXPLODING PENGUINS!

Natsume: Penguins? Oh, we just gave them some of our potions, and they gave us rocket launchers in return.

Kite, Mistral, and Orca: O.O Rocket launchers? IN THE WORLD!

Elk: Then they said to watch out for a giant teddy bear wearing a bowler hat and tie with an assault rifle. (smokes a bit of Aromatic grass)

Kite: Huh?

: Fumoffu!

They all turn around to see a giant teddy bear wearing a bowler hat and tie with an assault rifle, just like Elk said. The teddy bear aims at Kite, fires, and kills him in one hit.

Orca: CRAP! Run! (he gets offed)

Natsume: I've got this one! (fires her rocket launcher at Bonta-kun, killing it) Yay! I did it! I finally did it Kite-sama! Eh?

Kite's ghost was crying bloody tears, which seems impossible. Meanwhile, Blackrose looted through Kite's corpse and found the Morrigan costume.

Blackrose: (thinking to herself) …I should put this one for Kite. (huge grin)

XD At this point, you're either laughing or you're shaking your head. If you're doing neither, then I've failed in my job. Now with this out of the way, I'm free to put up a Kingdom Hearts 2 outtakes one-shot! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Be sure to review. Until next time, happy reading/writing!


	3. Chapter 3

DA: Hey all, I'm back an-

Fan #1: KICK HIS ASS!

(fans proceed to beat the living shit out of me for taking so long to update)

DA: urrrgghhh… assistance..please…

Terajima Ryoko: Ano… we are terribly sorry for the wait. The regular reasons for lateness, as well as taking care of two new kittens and three to four new video games, have taken up the writer's time. Once again, DrgnmastrAlex does not have any ownership, copyright, or creative input whatsoever with .hack, or any related copyrights. (turns to DA) Was that suitable?

DA: Yes..

Terajima Ryoko: ..ano… do I do something else now?

DA: Yes. There's a first aid kit upstairs, next to one of the balconies. Get it, bring it down here, and gauze me up as well as you can.

Terajima Ryoko: I'll be back with it as soon as possible!

Chapter 3: Huh? This is the last chapter? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

Moonstone: …

Random Blademaster: C'mon, say something.

Moonstone: …

Random Wavemaster: I told you, he doesn't talk. Is he an event NPC?

R. B.: No. When I target him, I get his character stats and his name.

Moonstone: …

R. W.: Maybe he's one of those…what do you call them? "Vagrant A.I."s?

Moonstone: Sorry, I was AFK.

(Both the wavemaster and blademaster jump back in astonishment)

Both: DUDE!

(Moonstone logs out)

R. B.: …what was he doing AFK for so long?

R. W.: He made me drop my lemonade. Icy coldness…on my lap…

Meanwhile, at the System Admin. Headquarters…

Lios: Player activity has gone down, even during all those rare item events. Damn. At this rate, my superiors may cancel "The World" for "R:2"…

Balmung: Hey Carl.

Lios: DAMMIT MAN! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME CARL!!

Balmung: You see that big star up there?

Lios: Huh? Which one?

Balmung: The one your planet revolves around.

Lios: …you mean the Sun?!

Balmung: Yeah, we own it.

Reki: Damn straight, we do fool!

Balmung: But for the right price, we can name it "The Carl".

Lios: You're freakin'-waitaminute. KNOCK THAT CRAP OFF NOW! And who's the twerp next to you?

Balmung: This is Reki. My new assistant.

Lios: You mean…

Balmung: Yep. I've been officially ordained a System Administrator.

Lios: …well, then, I can finally do this. My letter of resignation, with +5 against noob Administrators, is sent to CC Corp. I'M FREE!

(Lios logs out permanently)

Reki: Did we just get insulted on both the gaming front and the corporate world front?

Balmung: Pay no mind to him, he's a pig-head.

A few days later…

Kite: Alright. I mailed everyone to ask this: how's a party in real life sound with all of you?

(A few seconds pass)

Natsume: You mean, all the .hackers getting together for a party? In real life?

Kite: …uhh, yeah, that's kind of what I said.

Natsume: OMG, YES YES YES!!!

Sanjuro: Sounds good. I'll have to pay for a flight, but I'll be there.

Piros: Verrily, this would be an occasion of-OW!

Gardenia: Act like your normal self. And yes, Kite, I'd be happy to go.

All the .hackers agreed to meet up in Kyoto two months from now.

Epilogue: At the party (At this point, we're talking about each .hacker's real life persona. Regardless, I'll refer to them by their "The World" character names. Also, since only one or two of the .hackers' real life personas have been seen, I won't be giving physical descriptions of the rest.)

Gardenia: So, which one of you is Piros?

???: Don't look at me, I'm Natsume. Nice to finally meet you, though.

???: I'm Marlo. So unless you want to have a drink with me, I'm not your man.

???: Geez, you're rude. I think Piros is over that way. He photoshopped his face over his character, so it's not too hard to figure out who he is.

Gardenia: Thank you Blackrose. I need to thump him on his skull in real life at least once. Hahah.

Terajima Ryoko: Akira-san, do you know when Kite-sama will be here?

Blackrose: He should be here soon. He said he met up with Sanjuro at the airport about four hours ago. They're took the Shinkansen over here. Anyway, don't be so formal. We've met up with each other dozens of times.

Mistral: Heeeere's the baby!

Natsume: OOOhh, it's sooo cute!!

Piros: OOW! Gardenia, isn't once enough for you?!

Gardenia: Not until you swear to me you'll stop RPing that way!

Piros: Okay, okay, I stop from this point on! I promise!

Balmung: Heh, Orca. Hard to believe you're only in high school. Or should I call you Yasuhiiko?

Orca: Shut up, man. Hard to believe you're near your twenties and an Admin on top of that.

The door opens up, and a mid-twenties American and a 15-year old Japanese boy enter.

Moonstone: …Is that..?

Sanjuro: A toast then, to the Descendants of Fianna! Hahaha!!

Orca: There he is! The man-I mean, boy of the hour! Bearer of the Bracelet and title-wielder of Azure Flame!

Natsume: Kite-sama?! He's so young!

Terajima Ryoko: Oh my… I had no idea.

Blackrose: Of course not! Saying "Kite-sama" this and "Oh, Kite-sama and I have an eternal bond!"

Everyone starts laughing, with Kite himself blushing like mad.

Marlo: Regardless, he's dependable. You don't come across kids like that every day.

Kite, quickly walking over to Blackrose, whispers.

Kite: Hey, during that one rare item event, I lost an item I was going to give to you. The thing is, the text showed you swiped it off my corpse.

Blackrose: (blushing madly) S-shut up!

Orca: Kite! I had no idea you were into older women! HAHAH!

The good times ran into the night.

DA (gauzed up): Well, sorry I couldn't continue this fic, but hopefully the ending is satisfactory to you. Although, I do have some good news. And no, I'm not setting up a Geico insurance joke. .hack//G.U. For all you fans out there (including me), .hack fanboy and fangirl ratios have gone through the roof. XD So, I'm making a parody fic of the three separate volumes. Since volume one is currently the only volume in the U.S., I'm writing them separately. Expect the same sort of humor, though. Until then, happy reading/writing.


End file.
